Gravitation
by CrazyNerdyFangirl
Summary: Alec experiences the horrors of gravitational acceleration while Magnus does some soul-searching. While gravity is escapable, love is another story. "His brain isn't asking the obvious what-when-where-why-how because he's just staring. Staring at a man he thought he'd never see again – or more accurately, a man he never thought he'd be able to see." Oneshot. Malec.


**AN: I never expected this fic to be so goddamn long, but I don't regret a word. BookHunter, girl, this is for you (I dedicate so many fics to you, hon, you should write me some Malec now). So I guess my useless physics teacher was good for something after all. **

"_Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love." -Albert Einstein_

Being in love at the tender age of sixteen-and-a-half is a pretty fucking scary deal, even for someone who's faced monsters that occupy little girls' nightmares. Being in love with a boy when you're a Shadowhunter is even scarier. Add in the fact that he's your _parabatai_, and he's beautiful, and you're just plain old Alec Lightwood? You're pretty much screwed.

Alec's just _standing _there, waiting for Jace to come out of the club (goddammit, when will Jace learn that just because they're hunting for demons at a club doesn't mean Jace can flirt with unsuspecting mundie girls?) when some guy a couple years older than Alec passes him on the street, spies the forlorn look on his face, and snorts. "God, you look like a little lost puppy. Isn't – how old are you anyway – fourteen too young to lose your first love?"

At first, Alec glances around to make sure the guy's really talking to him because who _does_ this? Come up to strangers on the street and question them about their shitty love lives? Alec's always been more than a little socially awkward, and the fact that this guy's a mundie doesn't help Alec become any more eloquent. Finally, he decides it'll make the situation worse if he stays silent.

"Uh…" He mentally scratches his head. How do you lose a love if you've never really had him? If that love is in the club right now flirting with girls, unwittingly leaving his _parabatai_ out in the cold to stew in his own unrequited love? Alec's pretty much figured out that he's gay by this point, but he's not going to tell _Jace_ that because Jace – his Jace – is so obviously _not. _And though he can admit it to himself now – after years of internal conflict – he'd still rather not think about the fact that he's going to die alone and lonely with a shriveled-up, virgin dick. "No, not lost love. I'm just sad."

"Yeah? Well, if you want to lie to someone, learn how to stop blushing," the mundie says, which only causes Alec to blush some more.

"I don't look that pathetic, do I?"

The guy sticks his hands into the pockets of his tight leather pants and leans against the wall next to where Alec stands. "Well, if you want advice from someone who's been there and done that, it's not worth beating yourself over. Don't let gravity bring you down, kid."

Just then, Jace swaggers dazedly out of the entrance of the club. Lipstick stains the collar of his shirt and the side of his mouth, and Alec cringes when he sees the telltale signs of what Jace probably considers a great night out. When he spots Alec waiting for him, he waves and jogs over.

"Oh, I get it now," the mundie whispers knowingly. Alec is about to deny it, but the guy winks at him. "Don't worry, I won't tell."

By the time Jace catches up to Alec, the man has already left. "Who was that?" Jace asks. "Anyone dangerous?"

Alec shakes his head. "Oh, just some mundie."

* * *

Alec's elated when he gets together with Magnus because Magnus is simply beautiful and (guess what?) now he's all Alec's. He doesn't need Jace – it even seems like a betrayal to Magnus to remember he'd ever wanted Jace in the first place. Being with Magnus in secret is a burden, so when they come out, Alec practically floats in midair. And Jace can comment on how sickeningly lovesick Alec is, but you know what? Alec can't bring himself to care when his mind keeps up a constant loop of "MagnusMagnusMagnus."

Usually, Alec isn't such a huge fan of incoherency, but he thinks he'll make an exception this time around.

Both Alec and Magnus are still floating on cloud nine when reality begins to break through the cracks of their seemingly perfect relationship.

* * *

Gravitational acceleration is constant. Nine-point-eight meters per second squared vertically, no matter the slant of the projectile's arc. Sure, there are factors that can slow down gravity, but the bitch always catches up in the end. Even if you begin slow, you're guaranteed to hit the ground faster than you started out. Gravity's predictable – whole physics classes are tortured by simple problems that ask students when this ball will hit the ground or when that tower's cannonball is going to hit those enemy troops. All you have to do is remember that it's always the same.

And so, because gravity adds nine-point-eight meters per second to an object's speed every second, the longer you stay in the air, floating without a care in the world, the harder you'll go splat against the unforgiving ground.

* * *

When Alec sees the couple on the street, he stops suddenly. They look to be in about their thirties and seem to be completely unaware of the eighteen-year-old kid who's now staring at them. One of them holds the hands of their Asian daughter, who looks to be about four. One of the dads seems serious, and he's tugging his briefcase from the reach of his daughter while his flamboyantly-dressed husband (Alec can make out a glint of rings) laughs at him. Pretty similar, he realizes, to he and Magnus.

They just look so fucking _happy_, and yeah, he's fucking _happy_ with Magnus too, but is it wrong to want what they have? The certainty that you're one day going to grow old together and adopt some cute kids and teach them to be Tolerant and Accepting and all that bullshit? Sure, there are probably more obstacles to gay couple bliss than the fact that the universe somehow decided that Alec should fall in love with Magnus Bane, High Warlock of Brooklyn, but right then, Magnus's immortality seems like a lot more trouble than it's worth.

Magnus must have sensed Alec's tension. "Are you alright, Alexander?"

"Yeah." He shakes his head. "Don't worry about it – it was a silly thought anyway."

Magnus finally follows Alec's gaze. "Oh," he says, realizing the implications.

"Yeah. I'm just being stupid." Alec turns away from the smiling couple and forces himself to morph his face into what he hopes is a reassuring expression.

"…Are you happy with what we have?"

"Of course I am!"

"Then how come you're not?"

"Magnus, listen to me. I want you, and only you. The rest of the world can fuck off. I probably wouldn't even want kids anyway. They're snotty, and I'd be forever trying to get them out of the clothes you'll inevitably dress them up in." Now that he thinks about it, the prospect actually seems pretty fucking _nice_, this picture of perfect domestic life with Magnus, but Alec doesn't say that. "My mind was just wandering."

Magnus sounds skeptical. "Are you sure? We never talk about it."

"We don't really have to. It doesn't affect us at all."

_Not yet anyway. _

* * *

It's kind of awkward when Alec finds his first gray hair because eighteen with a head full of gray hair? Not exactly attractive.

Magnus thinks Alec's overreacting, but he's not, he's really, really not. He keeps reassuring Alec that he shouldn't be looking through his books for some hair dye rune to cover up a single strand of imperfect hair, but it's not like Alec will actually listen when he's freaking out like this.

"Lots of people your age have gray hair. Must be all the stress." Magnus leans over to stroke his boyfriend's hair. "I told you that you should take a break from fighting all these demons. Spend some more time with me."

Alec just groans and buries his face further into his book as a reply.

Because Magnus doesn't really get it, does he? Gray hair. Alec is growing _old_. How long will it be before he'll be surprised to find a single _black_ hair on his head, before his face is wrinkly and his skin is mottled? A couple of decades seems like forever now, but Alec knows it can pass in the blink of an eye. And where will Magnus be when Alec is old and decrepit and dying?

* * *

Being dumped is never easy.

Sometimes, life kind of fucks Alec over and shoots a couple of bullets through his body. Like it wants to perforate him and laugh as his insides slowly spill out of the tiny holes in his torso. And though he's tried to mend his wounds with whatever he can find in that mental medicine cabinet of his – which admittedly, hasn't been put to use for a very, very long time – it still fucking _hurts_. Like, one minute he's In A Relationship, and the next, he's Not. It's unfair, that's what it is. As much as he doesn't want to become just a pit stop in Magnus's life, eventually, that's all he'll be reduced to. A couple of months with an impersonal banner attached that says, "Hey, look at all the fun fucks we had. Damn, too bad I can't stick my dick in you anymore."

The first thing Alec does after Magnus unceremoniously dumps him is throw everything Magnus-related in his bedroom into one big pile on the floor, a mass of unwanted memories. Jace comes barreling into his room to ask him what's wrong, but Alec can't say it, so he settles for repeating "Magnus" in an uncharacteristically broken voice. Jace must have understood what happened because he curses under his breath and runs to get Isabelle.

Yeah, they try their hardest, and Alec appreciates it, he really does, but it's a bit too late for comfort.

* * *

In some ways, Sebastian is even worse than Valentine. He's more resilient and stubborn, and the idiots who believe every goddamn word that comes out of his mouth are more loyal than a pack of pit-bulls. But eventually, he's defeated, and calm restores itself to Shadowhunter society. Magnus is noticeably absent from all of the action. After he says goodbye to Alec, he only sees the warlock a few more times in the following weeks before he disappears without a trace. It's not terribly responsible for the High Warlock of Brooklyn to suddenly leave, but Magnus has never followed conventions. Alec asks Shadowhunters whom he knew Magnus could actually stand, he asks warlocks they encounter, he even asks a few _demons _where Magnus went. But his questioning results in a fat load of nothing. When Magnus says he doesn't want to be the Shadowhunters' pet warlock anymore, he was pretty fucking serious.

After Sebastian dies, Alec can focus his energy on trying to find the missing warlock, and that's exactly what he does. He's consumed by this insane need to find him, but if Magnus doesn't want to be found, there's nothing Alec can do about it. What Alec wants to know is: why? Just because they fucking broke up doesn't mean Magnus has to leave and tear himself out of everyone's lives for an indefinite amount of time (because Alec refuses to believe it's forever). Magnus's apartment is practically empty, and sure, the heavy furniture is still there, but Magnus must have cleaned it so that it ceases to smell like him, to look lived in. Even the bed, where so many memories were created, now looks like some bed out of a pristine furniture catalog. Alec liked to think that, after spending so much time at Magnus's apartment, he's made some sort of an Impact, but Magnus removed all traces of life before leaving.

None of his friends and family _get_ it. They all say, "He was your first boyfriend. There are so many other fish in the sea. Just because he was the first guy you fell in love with doesn't mean he'll be the last."

Well, none of _them_ loved and lost someone like Magnus. Jace has Clary. Isabelle has Simon. Jordan has Maia. His mom tries to speak to him about loss, but even she doesn't get it either. Maryse never loved Robert as much as she'd like for her kids to believe, and she knows it. The cracks in their relationship were obvious.

Finally, after two years of searching, Alec breaks down. He stands there in the middle of that empty, empty apartment and accepts that yeah, Magnus is gone. He sits cross-legged, Indian-style, and suppresses the urge to beat his fists against the wood floor like some petulant child. Jace and Isabelle offered to come with him on what is to be his last visit to Magnus's apartment, but he declined their offer. If he's going to suffer, he's going to do it alone, thank you very much.

If there's a time when Shadowhunter strength and stoicism are allowed to break, now is as good of a time as any.

* * *

Sometimes, Alec wishes that gravitation were responsible for love. If he can blame his feelings on an omnipresent cosmic phenomenon, he doesn't have to blame himself for falling into what was so obviously destined to be a failed relationship. Because it hurts so bad and he wishes he never fell in love with Magnus Bane in the first place but at the same time he doesn't and it's all so confusing.

And mundies have explanations for gravity. Some kind of near-magical set of guidelines for how it behaves. Alec needs that. Goddammit, he needs it so bad. Because then he can figure out some way to escape it and wriggle his way out of its grasp.

Gravity is escapable. Love is another story.

* * *

Alec thinks he sees Magnus on the street. It's happened before, and it'll happen again. It seems like every time he gets his hopes up, they're shot down like birds out of the sky. He really should stop trying – stop holding out hope for something that will never come – but no one has ever been able to explain love. He knows, in his head, it's not Magnus (since when has things ever gone Alec's way?) but his _heart_, that goddamn fickle temptress, entreats him to get his hopes up again, to check, to be absolutely _sure_ the person he's staring at isn't Magnus Bane. He doesn't want to admit to himself that he wants to see Magnus again. How pathetic is that? Running after some guy who's already rejected him.

But he does, oh how he does.

So he runs toward this colorful, colorful person and calls out his name. God, maybe gravitation won't fucking ruin him after all because that's Magnus and oh my God oh my God –

It's not Magnus.

* * *

Alec was right from the beginning. Years can pass at the blink of an eye. You know the phrase "time flies by when you're having fun"? If the years can pass this quickly sans Magnus, Alec doesn't even want to think about how they would have passed with Magnus by his side. One minute he'd be eighteen and in love, and the next, he'd be in his grave.

For the first few years, Alec matches Jace's energy when they're fighting. He slashes, kills, guts. The bloodier his hands get, the happier he is. Because he's _angry_. Yeah, he was sad and he was regretful and it was kind of his fault, but what Magnus doesn't understand is that it was _his_ too. Alec would never have run to Camille if Magnus trusted him enough to give him all the gritty details about his past. Maybe Alec should have thrown that in his face the last time he'd spoken to the warlock – to guilt Magnus into not leaving him. But Magnus never gave him time to explain, and he was too shocked to formulate an argument, and it's all so fucked up he can't fathom a solution to the hole they're in now.

Two people with such shitty trust issues surely deserve each other.

He wonders if Magnus still thinks about him. When they were together, it didn't _feel_ like Alec was trivial to the warlock, but who knows? How many people have dated Magnus Bane and thought they were special? How many were deluded? How many were like him? Magnus probably doesn't even remember his name, Alec thinks. Not sad, pathetic Alexander Lightwood. No, he's probably partying someplace, ecstatic to be away from Alec and his friends and all their baggage.

He wants to find Magnus and ask him about Will and Camille and his first love and how long he's lived and how many people he's fucked and how many of them were male because _goddamn_, Magnus knows everything about Alec – even his middle name. He wants to find Magnus and verbally beat some sense into him – make him realize that it really isn't fucking fair to pin all the blame on Alec. He wants to find Magnus to explain and maybe get some _closure_ because as much as he's tried, he can't – he simply can't fall in love with anyone else. He's seen men prettier than Magnus, but they don't hold his eye. He's spoken to men more charming, more trusting, less flamboyant, better suited to him, but none of them are Magnus, so he figures he has a right to be angry.

After a while, after everything calms down and Alec has control of his mind again, it's like all the air has been let out of him.

When gravity hits you, it hits you hard.

* * *

Ten years after the fact, the letters start landing on his doorstep. At first, Alec's excited – finally here's some communication from Magnus. He's honestly curious and wondering where the hell his ex has been even though it's going to be so fucking painful sifting through that familiar-but-not-anymore handwriting and those words and all of that MagnusMagnusMagnus. Alec doesn't even really register the fact that Magnus must have been here to actually place the letters right where Alec lives – he's that excited. He walks into the Institute with all the calmness he can muster, but when he's alone, he allows himself to finally feel. Maybe it's an apology. Maybe it's an explanation. Maybe it's a letter telling Alec that Magnus is in Brooklyn _right now_ and Alec better get his delectable ass over to his apartment pronto. Alec tears it open in a rush, and his eyes begin to peruse the page.

After the first paragraph, Alec throws it across the room in a fit.

It's not – as he'd hoped – a desperate apology, Magnus begging Alec to take him back and forget the years apart ever existed. Though Alec berates himself for even hoping for the impossible, it's not like he can help it. Magnus doesn't even _mention_ Alec or their past relationship or where he is or anything important, really. He goes right off and starts talking about Will, Will fucking Herondale. And yeah, this is important, Alec supposes, since part of the reason why they broke up was because of lack of disclosure of both their parts, but Alec doesn't really give a shit about what happened with Will fucking Herondale anymore, even though it was so important to him once upon a time.

He can't help but think that Magnus is only doing this to vindicate himself, and Alec doesn't want that because holy _hell_, if Magnus takes away his guilt in the breakup, what does Alec have left to be mad about? Alec wants to be mad, stay mad. Magnus can fix his errors, but Alec can't. How do you resurrect a dead vampire and tell her, "Hey, I don't want to take away my boyfriend's immortality after all. Oops. Let's just forget about all of this and go on our merry way."?

So when the next letter comes and it's more of the same – Magnus talking about his past, the one Alec was so fixated upon learning about, Alec just throws it in a drawer, never to be seen again. The letters keep coming once a week, but there's a growing pile in his sock drawer, and as far as he's concerned, they're both still at fault here.

* * *

Jace gets engaged to Clary and Isabelle continues her unconventional relationship with Simon while Alec grows older by the day. Alec still dreams about Magnus sometimes, of the life they could have had if Magnus had been mortal, if they had been able to grow old side by side. His friends pity him, but he doesn't want their pity – he wants Magnus. Jace and Clary leave a wedding invitation for Magnus in his still-unoccupied apartment in the hopes that he'll somehow get it, but to no one's surprise, he doesn't show up. Clary introduces Alec to a few of her old friends (surely if he can date a warlock, he can make a relationship with a mundie work, right?), but he isn't interested. When he tries to tell Clary to stop meddling, she just gets even more determined to find the right guy to make Alec forget all about Magnus.

As much as he wants to deny it, he actually does kind of want Clary to continue on his hopeless venture. It's not that he doesn't _want_ to forget Magnus – because God knows he needs to get over it – he just _can't_. And so every time Clary sets him up on one of these ridiculous blind dates, he shows up optimistic, thinking that maybe, just maybe, this night can be the night.

But it never is.

* * *

It's pretty unlikely, but Alec swears he's seeing the same couple from before. The little girl is in her early teens now and is wearing a t-shirt that's imprinted with the latest teen pop idol – the one with the great swishy hair. The dads look older and more tired, and one of them has gray hair peppering his dark locks. In a city filled with people, what are the chances Alec would see the same people twice? He can't help but stand there like an idiot with his jaw agape. He knows he's blocking the way of some plenty irritable people, but he can't bring himself to move.

He doesn't even notice the fact that they're about to cross him on the sidewalk until they're right in front of him. The more colorful man – up close he doesn't even look like Magnus much, but the similarities still shake Alec a little – looks at him strangely and asks, "Do I know you?"

Alec forces his jaw to close. "No, sorry. You don't know me at all."

* * *

Hitting thirty isn't some huge milestone in most people's lives. Alec figures surviving three decades is a big deal for a Shadowhunter, but even so, they're experiencing a lot more peace and a lot less fighting ever since the Accords. Still, in Jace's opinion, every birthday is a Birthday. And this birthday, he seems to get this weird idea into his head that Alec wants to ogle male strippers to hail in his third decade of life. Alec protests halfheartedly, but maybe looking at some guys who were willing to get their clothes off for a quick buck will get his mind off Magnus. It's pretty pathetic, his mooning over his ex, and Jace knows it. He's happily married to Clary now and is still regaling Alec with tales about their honeymoon (which seemed to involve a lot of whipped cream and phallic statues). If Alec is pathetic, Jace is positively _sickening._

So Jace shoves Alec into a strip club, and he even sits through the performances for Alec's sake (though his snickering ruined whatever kind of mood the place was obviously trying to go for). But after a while, not even naked men can hold Alec's interest, and he asks Jace if they can leave.

"You sure?" says Jace. Alec sees sympathy in his eyes – Jace has been too close a friend for too long a time to not understand that Alec is still pining after lost love – and Alec nods. "But –" Alec knows what Jace is going to say next, what he always says whenever the subject of Magnus comes up. He'll launch into his typical "you'll find someone new" spiel, and Alec will zone out, and Jace will smile triumphantly when he thinks he's finally gotten through to Alec.

"Look, it's my birthday. Can we skip the lecture just for one day, Jace?" Alec says tiredly.

"You can't get hung up on him forever."

"Yes, I can. Watch me."

Jace sighs loudly and rolls his eyes, but Alec thinks he's really trying to get it, trying to imagine himself in Alec's position. But he can't – Clary is still here and they're in love and everything's still shiny and perfect in Jace's world.

* * *

Alec is almost inside the doors of the Institute – he's Head now – when he hears it.

"Alec," a familiar voice says from behind him, "Alexander Gideon Lightwood."

Alec thinks he's imagining it at first. What is he even doing here? How could he – Alec must have imagined it, his dreams bleeding into reality. A mild form of fucking schizophrenia. It's even kind of funny, he thinks, that Magnus turned him into a schizophrenic – yeah, his ex fucked him up _that _bad.

Alec decides that if he just ignores the voice, it'll go away eventually. So he keeps walking toward that gilded door all the while chanting "must not look" inside his head because of _course_ he wants to look just to check – damn his heart. And Alec knows that he's "heard" Magnus plenty of times throughout the years, but maybe just this once?

A hand in his shoulder. "Alexander? Look at me."

He can't resist, so he complies.

It's Magnus and not-Magnus all at once. It's the Magnus Alec tried not to fantasize about – the one who's now finally, finally on the same level as Alec. At first he's surprised because what in the world – older Magnus may be even hotter than the Magnus he knew. It's quite disturbing to see your fantasies personified, but Alec isn't complaining one bit. His brain isn't asking the obvious what-when-where-why-how because he's just staring. Staring at a man he thought he'd never see again – or more accurately, a man he never thought he'd be able to see. Alec realizes he forgave Magnus a long time ago for leaving him – he hasn't been angry for a long time. Just sad, really. Even his methodical rejection of Magnus's letters hasn't been out of anger for a while – just fear that he'd he whisked back into a time where his love for Magnus consumed him like heavenly fire.

"You –" Alec manages to say while his thoughts are a mess. And maybe gravitation isn't responsible for people falling in love, but something else _is_, and as he's standing there, staring at what can only be an apparition from his dreams, he's reminded that _something_ is very much real.

"You – "

"Yes, I did."

"Are you real?" Magnus chuckles. Alec knows it's a childish question, but his brain isn't exactly working to its fullest potential right now.

"Do you want to pinch me to make sure?" Magnus says dryly.

Alec settles for touching Magnus's face reverently. "Wow, Magnus," he says. Alec spies the hair at Magnus's temple. "Look, you've got gray hairs too."

Magnus's lips quirk up into a half-smile. "Must be the stress."

"Must be."

And they're just standing there. Alec doesn't want an explanation, not yet, anyway. Maybe Magnus will explain how he looks around Alec's age later. Maybe Magnus will tell him where he spent all of those years. Maybe Alec will even tell him about the dreams he had where Magnus looks _just like this_ and they grow old together and adopt a little Asian girl and teach her to be Tolerant and Accepting, and they love and they love and they love.

But that maybe comes later because quite pathetically, Alec's brain shorts out as soon as Magnus's hand grabs his and squeezes. Magnus can make him act pathetically all he wants, just as long as he's here.

* * *

Alec invites Magnus inside because he doesn't want to discuss this out in the open. It's not like there are actually people outside, but this – them – seems a lot more private than can be discussed outside where theoretically, anyone can hear. He offers Magnus some wine, but he doesn't take it. Alec's sort of glad he doesn't – it will only delay the explanation he's now dying to hear.

"So you did the spell?" Alec asks when they're both settled. It's pretty awkward, sitting on couches that are facing each other and not touching, but Alec doesn't think he can handle the touching and the grabbing and the Magnus.

Magnus sighs and leans back in his chair. "I did. I lied that day, Alexander. I told you I was looking for the spell, but I'd already found it. Practiced it in my head a thousand times even. So after I went to Indonesia to try to forget about you, I just missed you so much that I just did it. Impulsively, even. You would have hated my thought process, you adorable, careful little thing. Granted, I was pretty drunk, and I immediately regretted it right after, but what's done is done."

"But why did you have to _go?_" Alec asks. If he were a different person, someone like Jace or Izzy, he'd be yelling and screaming and demanding answers, but Alec is Alec, so he keeps a thin layer of calm on display. "I know we broke up, but you didn't have to leave. You had friends. Everyone missed you, Magnus, not just me."

"It was initially because…well, I didn't want to _see_ you." Before Alex interrupts to say that they could have not seen each other just fine _here, _Magnus continues. "And I wasn't going to be in Indonesia for very long – only for a week or two so I could get my thoughts together, but then I did the spell, and I couldn't come back, not until I decided how I felt about it. I didn't even feel any different, not physically at least, but I just realized I had a lot of soul-searching to do. One minute I knew I was going to live forever, and the next, I…wasn't. Just like that." Magnus snaps his fingers. He shakes his head and looks at Alec forlornly. "I didn't even know if you were worth it."

"And so what if I wasn't? What if, on your ridiculous little soul-searching expenditure, you decided that little old Alec Lightwood wasn't worth dying for? You said you love me, but what about after a few years? Goddamn it, Magnus, I thought you _loved_ me. And then you left – you left without an explanation."

"I decided – I decided that even if I spent the rest of my life…wandering – if I decide that you're not worth coming back to – I'd still be happy with my decision. After all," Magnus shrugs, "there's no point in living forever if you know you'll never fall in love again. And trust me, I've even tried." He chuckles. "Falling in love with other people just isn't as easy as it used to be."

Before, these words may have had Alec falling into Magnus's arms again without another care, but he's not eighteen-year-old heartbroken Alec Lightwood anymore. He's older, and he's seen more, and he knows things that eighteen-year-old didn't know. He knows how fickle love is, how it can be there and be gone the next. He knows how much of a bitch gravitation can be. He knows how the _hurt_ only compounds with time. And so it's only understandable that he's not fucking Magnus into the ground right now.

"I've always wondered why you sent me those letters," Alec says suddenly.

If Magnus is surprised at Alec's lack of response to his declaration of love, he doesn't show it. "I just wanted you to know."

"But why…then? Why not when I actually _wanted_ to know? I only went to Camille because I felt so…lost around you. I didn't know if I really wanted her to take away your immortality, and I didn't know if I could trust her." His voice slowly becomes more agitated. "But what I knew was that she knew _you_. And I wanted that. I wanted that so badly. You had no idea."

Magnus reaches out across that empty space between them and grabs Alec's hand, caressing the lines, the calluses, the old scars. "I think I do, Alexander Lightwood. When I first saw those blue eyes, I decided I wanted – no, _needed_ – to know what was in that cute little head of yours." It's taking all of Alec's willpower to keep his hand still and not pull Magnus toward him for a kiss, for a hug, for _something_, but Alec manages to pull it off. "And for the record, I get it. It took me a while, but I understand now."

"Understand what?"

"Why you did what you did." Magnus laughs mirthlessly. "We both needed to learn how to talk to each other, didn't we?"

"So let's do it. Let's talk." Alec pulls his hand away from Magnus's – reluctantly – and holds it out for him to shake. "Hi, I'm Alexander Gideon Lightwood. I'm a thirty-year-old loser who's only had sex with one man. I once tried to take away my boyfriend's immortality instead of just talking to him about it. Tried to make a deal with a murderous vampire too. I also can't dress myself and have trouble interacting with people. I used to be in love with a man I now consider family, but I'm not anymore because I fell in love with someone better."

Magnus grabs Alec's hand firmly and pumps it twice. "Magnus Bane, High Warlock of Brooklyn, though I'm not sure I'm still the High Warlock of anyplace anymore after disappearing for twelve years. I've loved and lost a lot of people, most of whom you'd know about if you actually read the letters I give you instead of just hiding them like I suspect you have, Alexander. I used to not trust my boyfriend enough to tell him about my past, but I've gotten over that. I loved a man enough to take away my own immortality so we can grow old together and adopt cute kids and get gray hairs together. I regret breaking up with said amazing man every day, and coincidentally, I'm begging for his forgiveness now."

Magnus pulls back and scoots over on his couch, patting the empty spot next to him. Alec sits so that they're barely touching. He can feel the heat from Magnus's body, and there will be plenty of time for him to relearn every nook and cranny of that body, so for now, he's perfectly content with sitting like two awkwardly chaste people out on a first date. "We sound like we both belong in a support group," Alec says.

"Two people as messed up as we are probably deserve a support group all to ourselves." Magnus leans over and places his fingers under Alec's chin, tilting it up slightly. "But I guess I don't mind as long as I'm alone with you."

"Really?"

"_Aku cinta kamu._ Forever." He pauses to reconsider. "Well, the mortal equivalent of forever, at least."

And that's when Alec does it. Impulsively, even. He's tired of the talking and the soul-baring and just goes in for the kill, catching Magnus's lips between his own. It's pretty tentative at first, this kiss. It reminds Alec of their first, in a way. When Magnus caught him off guard with his blatant forwardness, and Alec was still trying to struggle through his feelings for Jace. More than a decade ago and Alec can still remember the euphoria, the confusion, the feeling of driving a car that's careening over the edge of the road into an indistinguishable blackness.

But he supposes Magnus's choice of clothing can illuminate the darkness just fine.

The first time they kissed, he grabbed on to the wheel as hard as he could, to salvage some vestige of self-respect, but this time, he willingly lets go and lets the car take him where it wants to. Hands off the wheel and finally floating without a care.

* * *

Gravity can go fuck itself. Alec's got everything he needs right here.

**AN: Well, here you go. My first Malec. Review?**


End file.
